Here is New Year's Eve, all ready and dressed in his finest. Guess I can't keep him waiting at the door too long. I will tarry a bit and glance back in the mirror, so to speak. What a year this has been! 2007 is a year I won't forget very soon...it seems one of those seminal years in that so many things in my life have changed. Where I was at the beginning of this year seems to be nearly a 180 degrees from where I am now that it almost seems strange. Some of it was external change, but mostly it's been an internal change of heart. It's kind of hard to explain. It's almost like getting a new pair of heart glasses- everything seems a lot clearer in my mind than the fuzziness of a year ago. I think some of it has to do in part with my divided life that I talked about a way back in July. I would extend the lesson I have learned from it even more; I've realized I can't live my life by labels either. As in, "ok, right now I am a mom, but in a few hours I need to be an artist, and then after that a business manager" or what have you...that I must 'measure up' to all these labels is ludicrous. Because, although all of those things may describe things I do, they do not describe who I am. Trying to keep all those aspects of me in neat little boxes is never going to work. I have been so inflexible with myself in this that I am laughing at myself, because the opposite is true. Life is messy. Inherently so. And if that is true, why do I then expect nothing but perfection of myself? So this year has been a journey away from that inflexible paradigm: letting go, taking a breath, cherishing moments, attempting to stop the navel-gazing (which is so very hard!), and focusing outward instead. I'm not sure that I accomplished all that I set out to do, to be honest, but I do feel so much more at peace. More genuinely myself.
So what do I want for next year? More of the same, odd as that sounds. I know that making specific goals ("lose 20 pounds") is dangerous for me, as I will get caught up in the perfection I am not achieving and lose the whole point("living a healthier life") and give up in a haze of perceived failure. To borrow from another blog post, if there is anything I want in the new year, it is to continue on a path towards an authentic life, an integrated life, undivided. A reflection of my Creator. I hope it isn't too much to ask for.
Speaking of time and how fast it flies, Ann has a thoughtful note that reminded me to mark time in a different way.