Memoria Arts~ Life in the Making

Smack in the middle...

Pardon me while I wipe the salt play dough off my hands.

Sit down, grab a cup of lukewarm coffee. It was hot, I promise.

Ann sent me looking for beauty yesterday. I'd show you what I found, but my camera is having a "moment". Honestly, I'm not sure I'd have had the time to press shutter and catch it.

My head quakes with pressure- this ache has been playing around my temples for days- and the noise! Oh, the noise! It burns around the edges and sets me so close to fuse, explosion waiting on tip of tongue.

Chaos.

That's pretty much it. Nutshell, crisp and clean.

Daylight Savings Time has played mischief with sleep, children rising grumpier, and I know a week will pass until it calms down again. We've been at the learning, pushing, counting, wondering at facts, and while I enjoy that, the questions, endless round, come five o clock and dinner pushing on, tear at the fabric of my sanity.

I'm smack in the middle of everyday life.

I pause, hard stop, and shift.

Email clanging gives reminder that I am privileged to pray for others, with praise, with concern, with care.

The laundry is full to brim because of a little girl who hasn't quite managed the whole process yet, but oh how close she is! How she tries! And how proud I am of her...

(but if the boys could kindly keep their socks some vestige of white, the muddied washer and I would thank them. And don't get me started on their bathroom...)

And all the salt dough crumbles scattered across the floor mean we had a wondrous adventure across Mercury's skies...

I'm smack in the middle of everyday life.

Outside, storms threaten. Elections, votes, causes, concerns, illnesses, economies, lost jobs. How I know the face and color of the recession storm so well- have I not lived it these last fourteen months? The squalls, they crash and buffet.

I took the kids to find some beauty yesterday afternoon...to scramble over the hills and dales of an Appalachian fall in full bloom. I don't remember much of it. I wanted to snap pictures, gather a bit of scarlet and gold, find a snatch of beautiful. But Josiah, dear heart, had gone all day without napping, fussy as could be. David had somehow managed to remove both shoes and sweatshirt before sneaking into car, and barefoot and bare headed, came bounding out of car at the park. A return home for needed articles, and back to the park. The bigs were in a veritable grump. Nothing pleased, nothing soothed. Wild things, indeed, tromping angrily through the forest.

A sigh bubbled up.

Over in the corner, my husband was showing the children this wizened old tree, where some of the roots were showing. The detritus of autumn was all about, red, gold, green, brown, thick and fragrant. I paused to listen as he said told children how the roots went as twice as deep and wide as the tree above the earthen floor- I could see the truth of it in the gnarled roots we could see, maybe a quarter of the trees root system? It was a scattered conversation, and then the kids went crying and wilding again. We didn't stay long.

But for some reason, that tree has stuck with me all day to day. That tree, smack in the middle of the hill, the chunk of earth worn away from a side, but still standing tall and straight as the day is long. Holding against the storms that washed that chunk away.

Do I have that kind of root system?

That's why we search after beauty. That's why we count His days. So that we can dig deep and stand tall. Smack in the middle of our chaotic days, right where God wants us to be.

With salt dough mess on our hands and lukewarm coffee.

Blessings to you, dear friends, smack in the middle of life. May the Lord strengthen and keep you!

Clarity of purpose...

 

Thinking on this. And this.

October has become a time of renewal and focus for me. Many people claim the turn of January's morning, or the freshly sharpened pencils of a September afternoon, but the burn and flame of falling leaf calls me to start anew. Last year was a profound shift. Grief will suddenly bring into sharp focus what is salient and what is not. In a surprising way, the fractured pieces of my life seemed to come into a beautiful, kaleidoscopic focus. I finally stopped living such a divided life upon the realization that all the broken pieces of rainbow colors were what made it all so marvelous. I have journeyed over the last year of letting go and watching the pieces being melded together into something altogether new by the Master Artist.

The heat of metal and glass coming together is not exactly a calm, cool existence, and neither has this year been anything of the sort. The sear of flame has been altogether too painful at times. At others, the beautiful hue and beam of loveliness and joy peeks through...a child's laugh, a task well done.

I am learning to be patient. Patient with myself. Patient with the process. Patient with endless realities. I won't deny I wonder at what plans the Lord has for us...or why it has taken so long for those paths to be revealed. It's puzzling to me, to say the least.

I got to spend a lot of quiet moments staring out over the water this last week...I had a peaceful little sitting area in our bedroom at our vacation house where I would often slip off to when time allowed. It was a lovely place to nurse the baby. Thoughtful, prayerful moments. I can't say enough how very important it is to find this sort of time every once in a while. It is needful for health of mind, body, and soul. I realized that I try to label and analyze things too much, almost as a defense mechanism- if I can name it, box it, make it 'fit', then it's not so scary. I think, though, that sometimes, problems and perplexities need to be dwelt with, lived through, learned through with quietness of soul and heart full of trust in God's providence. How very hard that is! It seems to be a lesson I have had to learn again and again this last year.

In a conversation with my husband a few days past, I said something to him along the lines of " I never thought I would be turning into another season of life, a full ten years later, and still not know certain things. I find it to be just a little bit disconcerting." I keep trying to cast about for absolutes in black and white when I live in a world full of gray. Don't get me wrong- there is One who is Absolute, and how thankful I am for that. But I keep trying to pigeonhole people into neat little boxes, problems into neat little definitions, cut perplexities down to manageable sizes. Take mothering- I keep trying to know what it is to be a mother. To have some prim and tidy definition complete with checklist that defines for me exactly what it means to be a "good mother". There is absolutely no such checklist anywhere, as any mom can tell you. What it means to be a good mama changes on a moment to moment basis. Why to I keep trying to label it then? It makes for endless frustrations.

I've slowly been realizing that my purpose, regardless of occupation, is to wait patiently on the Lord. I don't need to know everything. I just need to know Him and the rest will fall in place.

Wait with me?

A few from my notes...

Related to finding the bass line in your family song, of creating a practical living out of the family faith:

Books

The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson
The Ministry of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson

Both of these have some great practical suggestions about infusing faith into family in practical ways, as  well as being tremendously encouraging.

Real Learning by Elizabeth Foss

This is more of a 'homeschooling' book but I found it tremendously helpful in helping to find day to day rhythms that are meaningful.

Educating the Whole Hearted Child by Clay and Sally Clarkson

Again, a homeschooling book, but very very thought provoking and eye opening book about the whole measure of a day from start to finish.

Resources
Doorposts

www.doorposts.com

    Doorposts is a unique company. If you've heard of them, you've probably heard of their charts (If-Then, Blessings, Brother-Offended, Go-to-the-Ant). Quite simply, Mrs. Forester has combined charming line drawings and scripture into very useable and useful tools for keeping focused, particularly in discipline. I strive to be a grace-based, attachment parent, and I find that having these simple tools keeps me focused on what God says is right and wrong and not on my own knee-jerk emotional reaction to things. We all go the chart and read what it says for an infraction like hitting one's brother. The verse is listed, and then the consequence (previously decided upon by my husband and I) is listed also- it's all there in clear ways the children can understand. My husband often jokes that it is for us parents instead of the kids, because it really helps us both not to just react. On the other hand, they have a Blessings chart, which helps remind James and I to watch for good character traits and encourage them- like diligence and kindness. My parents used these resources when I was young, and now I am using them with my kids. There's a ton more- we also really like the book "For Instruction in Righteousness".

Bloggers
Ann Voskamp, Holy Experience
    There is no way to pick just one of her posts or even one of her categories to link- it's all good, encouraging stuff, and it always makes me think. Directly related to what I've been talking about, she's been doing a series on spiritual journaling (with the family!) that is wonderful, with a new one each Wednesday.
Tonia S., A Study in Brown
    Tonia and Ann are good friends, and they are poetical counterpoints to each other in many ways. Tonia is such a thoughtful, engaging blogger. She is on a hiatus right now, but I'd encourage you to poke through her archives...she's thought a lot of this 'one piece living' thing out loud, and how it relates to her family, and I know you'll enjoy it.
Elise H., A Path Made Straight

     Elise and I are in a very similar time of life right now- we both have four children, three boys and one girl; we are of similar ages. Our parenting styles are very, very similar. Her husband is a pastor (you should also check out his blog- such a thoughtful blogger too, one of my husband's favorites blogs). Again, I have a hard time picking just one category to recommend to you, since their 'family song' whispers through each and every post. I've learned so much from Elise and her peaceful spirit and her desire to bless her children each day.
Andrea B., The Flourshing Mother
    It's all Andrea's fault that I started this whole series *laughter*. She and I are only a week apart in our pregnancies with our fifth child, and we've been suffering *ahem* flourishing together on this journey. Again, it's hard to pick a category. She is very down to earth and practical, and she has talked about so many great ideas over the years about how faith and family intersect.

(And yes, I realize I am sorely tempting everyone's resolve about not spending too much time online, but trust me, time with these bloggers is well spent! *big grin* Make them your next 'coffee date'.)

I very much enjoy the blogs of  Elizabeth Foss and Michelle Quigley for so many reasons. I have been very inspired by how they apply their faith to their family life, and have borrowed quite a few of them while tweaking them for my own needs. And gracious, Elizabeth's is just chock, chock full of so many resources and ideas. I dare you not to poke in her archives. You'll be there a while, particularly if you are a homeschooler...make sure you have a whole pot of coffee for that one. I also enjoy blogger Emma, of Charming the Birds from the Trees...I love how each month she puts up a 'living and learning' post where she lists out some of the things she wants her family to focus on. I have 'borrowed' quite a bit from her lists- they inspire my own for each month, tailored for my family.

Now go! Be inspired! And if you have some resources that have really helped you, lemme know and I'll add them to the list...

Finding the base line...

 The first layer to a family rhythm, at least in our family, is the line that answers the questions of who we are and what we are about. I thought about calling this post "Bookends, Bottlecaps, and Boys" because each of those three things have a lot to do with who we are as a family. I think a mistake that is commonly made in pursuit of a simple, one-piece life is this key base line...not only do families not even consider what this base line sounds like, they don't prayerfully and thoughtfully consider exactly where their family is heading over the years. I don't agree with a lot of this 'vision-casting' rigmarole that is filtrating through the Christian family bookshelves, and that's not what I'm getting at. James 4:13-17 very specifically states that we should not make plans ahead of God's will, and I think that when we try to cast visions of what we want life to be like five, ten, fifteen years down the road, we have erred in that regard, and we block our ability to hear and follow God's will.
    On the other hand, it is vital that a family knows who they are, and who they belong to. How do we live out our faith in a practical sense? How do our kids know that they are 'home'? How do outsiders see our home? In a way, what is our family identity? What makes us, us? I was recently around much of my extended family, and I was captivated by my children participating in some of the same activities and traditions that I remember from childhood- the things that made me giggle, made me feel loved, made me 'belong' to the crazy clan that is my family. Hearing my dad pray with my children sent me straight back to my childhood and hearing his deep bass voice speaking and talking about God. In some ways, my faith and my dad are intricately connected...because he was the first voice I heard, so to speak. So what are we as parents saying? Are we praying over our children each day? How do our children know that we are who we are as a family?
    When I think about the day to day rhythm of our family, I think about bookends. Ps. 55:16-17 reads: As for me, I will call upon God, and the Lord shall save me. Evening and morning and noon I will pray and cry aloud, and He shall hear my voice. The fundamental base line of our family song starts here, in the bookends of the day, in the practical working out of our faith, when we pause and spend time in prayer and study of the Word as a family. Morning time is short, and often related to our homeschool studies. Our evening is a much longer study and prayer time together. Our day begins and ends with the cornerstone of what it is to be our family, and what we consider is the most important aspect of our day. It is not the chores, the laundry, the dishes; it is not what Dad has accomplished at work; it is not all the learning the children have done, even though every one of those things is important. It's keeping the priorities straight. Every time our practice of this has slipped as a family, all of the rest of it breaks down quickly. It never ceases to amaze me how things begin to come back together when we pick up this base line again. There are so many good resources out there for suggestions on how to do this. I am working on compiling a post for tomorrow that details all the resources I enjoy.
    Traditions and rituals play such a vital part of what it means to be a family....even if it is something as simple as bottle caps. My husband has a little bit of a thing for metal bottle caps. He started saving them for reasons I know not...just a fascination with what is a rapidly disappearing part of American life. The rest of us quickly caught on, and we all began to save them for him, and it has become 'a thing we do' as a family. The boys love to pull them out and look at them with Daddy, examining all the different colors, the different sayings sometimes inscribed underneath (Jones' soda is quite funny). The caps have become coins and money for imaginary grocery stores and the like, and sometimes, they just like running their hands through the bowl. (And who wouldn't?) In like vein, I cannot pass M&Ms without thinking of my own Daddy, and his slight obsession with M&M dispensers. Or my mom's thing for lighthouses. My kids would probably tell you about my thing for crosses (particularly Coptic and Jerusalem ones)...or we could talk about our family's favorite meal that we have to have at least once a week, or Daddy's favorite cake...isn't it interesting how food plays such a big part of family and family traditions? In my family it used to be pizza night. One of the weekend nights, mom would bring out all the fixings for pizza and we kids would make it...made a horrible mess, mind you, but it was our night in the kitchen, and the one night mom didn't have to 'cook' or clean.
   What things make your family "you"? What traditions do you enjoy? What are some of your own memories of the family you grew up in? What forms the base line of the practical living out of your faith? Make sure to link me if you've written about it on your own blog, and I'll include it in tomorrow's post!

The trellis or the tomato?

    There is a careful balance between a pleasant melody and a ear-splitting cacophony. It is amazing how one wrong note can so discolor a song that a listener turns away in physical pain, covering his or her ears- or how strange a song sounds when one instrument tries to solo on a syncopated beat when it should be playing together with the instruments in proper time. This is what I think of when I think of the family routine and the family culture: "what song are we playing today?" and "is it pleasant to the ear?"
    I find myself at a crossroads as I write this series on the simple, one-piece life. I know why I began down this path in the beginning, what I was looking and hoping for in the new adventure of it. Now I have two or three years "under my belt" so to speak, and I've realized that the underlying desire for peace and gentle obedience to the Lord's calling was right but that my living out of it, in practice, has left much to be desired. I have wondered often over the last few days if it was a matter of perspective. I think in the beginning I had the short view, the practical view. As this journey has progressed, my sight has lengthened and deepened, and I feel as if I understand the underlying principles much better. The short view, and practice of 'simple living' without the deeper understanding, leads to a shallow practice, a plant with weakened root systems that is easily uprooted or damaged at the slightest storm. Then, when the storm comes, the routines and systems and organization easily fall into disarray or are abandoned altogether because their roots do not go deep into the family culture.
    A lack of rhythm in a family is often at the core of family troubles- everyone is playing at once and no one can hear, so to speak, so disobedience, tiredness, and disrespect (in both adults towards children and children towards parents) grows like rife weeds. Likewise, forcing slavery to a schedule blindly and without consideration of the family's unique needs sets up a family for similar failure. It seems so easy- check off this list, follow this instruction, schedrule your life like [insert popular advice here] and your life will be "wonderful!" "Organized!" "You won't believe the time you'll find!", and more dangerously so, "perfect!" I think my husband said it well when he described the myriad tools at our fingertips for organization and cleaning schedrules (etc.) like the stakes and trellises we build for the plants in our garden. I personally enjoy a book on schedruling for large families. I am sure everyone who reads here has a particular person or website that they like to use to help them in their routines. But there is a severe danger in thinking that using one particular 'way of doing things' is going to make life perfect. The kids will always be dressed, there were always be food on the table promptly at dinner time...right? In this, we are mistaking the trellis, the tool for growth, for the actual plant of discipline and the desire to follow God whole heartedly. Even worse, we begin to feel 'un-holy' or 'not Christian enough' because such and such way of doing things has not worked for us. (Which isn't the truth- it just means that the system may not be suited to our families' unique needs, or, perhaps, we're leaning on the wrong trellis?)
    So what's the tomato in this instance? I think this is where I have learned the most on this journey of simple living. First, let me borrow a passage from For The Children's Sakes by Susan Schaffer Macaulay.

And of Christians: Do they enjoy the living reality of a relationship with God and His Word? Do they feel impelled to masticate 'Christian' matter and give predigested pellets to the Children morning, noon, and night? Do they understand the truth of Christianity? Do they accept its moral framework, and yet believe in our own independent responsibility? Are they living in a tiny world, a sort of Christian box? Are they afraid of the breadth of the life: its art, music, books, activities- thinking that all life apart from the "spiritual" is "worldly"?

The tomato, the end result I think many are looking for in this pursuit, is a one-piece life, wholly integrated between our walk with God and our walk with others. But the reality is that we live divided lives, where we have our Sunday attitudes and our work-a-day attitudes, the two hardly intermixing, and we can't see where discipline in doing the laundry has anything to do with our pursuit of God through prayer and reading of the Word; the two have 'nothing to with each other', or so we think, and again we go with shallow roots into another harried week of schedrules and lists that don't bring peace. But this is God's created world, His masterpiece. We are made in His image, and, as Christians, everything we do is in service to Him and for His glory.  Doing the laundry, and keeping it up, serves my family. It keeps them clothed, with the ability to be out in the world and do the things they need to do to serve others. The same with those dinners too. We can't belittle small acts of service, whatever they may be, simply because they are small; they are part of God's design and His calling for his people.
    Dare I say it? I think we belittle these small acts of service, these small seasons of life, by living in a schedruled, divided-life sort of way. When we seperate the majestic from the mudane (at least in our eyes) we aren't seeing the God that makes a beautiful flower grow in the cracks and chasms of an abandoned and ill-cared-for parking lot. On the other side, God has called us to grow, and grow well, where He has planted us. That requires discipline. We're not supposed to grow willy-nilly and all over the place- we're supposed to grow firm, strong and courageous in His Truth.
    I've seen this in my own journey so far. I started this out in a very perfectionistic, type A sort of way. Checking the list, following the rule book, reading all the advice. And yes, in a practical sense, it did bring order. Any sort of discipline will bring order of a sort. But long-lasting, peace-giving order will not come without the firm foundations, the deep understanding of the Lord, and how He has designed my family,  listening to the unique song He has orchestrated for us in the larger symphony of His work and world. I guess that's why I've been so careful to hash this all out before I jump into practical things I have learned about schedruling, meal-planning, routines, and what-not- I do not want to cause another to fall into a trap of perfectionistic rule-following that is not of God. I feel like I started out all willy-nilly instead of learning what it meant to be firm and strong in the Lord in practical ways.
    What does this mean to you? What are some barriers you've experienced? Have you confused the trellis for the tomato?

Simple sanity?

I've been thinking about what pursuing a simple, one-piece life means to me.

Ironically, my 'thinking time' has fallen over a week and a half of pure craziness family-wise. It's one of those things that happens- one child gets sick, one chore falls off the radar, an extra doctor's appointment, and the next thing you know...things are just a bit scattered. One of my kids was so ill that even church and fellowship was missed, and it sort of leaves your head spinning and discombobulated.

It's reinforced to me why I do what I do, and what a simple life means to me.

Sanity. Rhythm. Peace. A chance to breathe, to hear, to listen, to be.

As I've detailed in earlier posts, it started with meals and food...the need for preparation time, for a consistent point in time to aim for each day brought a subtle rhythm to my days that had not existed before. It happened slowly, almost unaware....quite simply, I had to plan and prepare, and I had to make time to plan and prepare, and I didn't have a car most days so I could only go grocery shopping on a particular day, and very soon, I was in a regular sort of routine with it.

Ben and Isaiah were both quite young and I was nursing Isaiah- and both still had a need for a morning and afternoon nap. The meal planning and preparation made me aware of routine for the first time in my homekeeping and mothering career, and so I began to pay attention to when the boys usually napped, and when Isaiah nursed, and slowly another component of our family rhythm fell into place. I stopped trying to run errands during naps and wouldn't you believe? The cranky factor in our house went way down.

I think the family rhythm is key. So often we are trying to march to a beat not our own, trying to fit into a symphony not written for us, trying to copy a song we've heard of another family, and grow intensely frustrated with the cacophony that results. And a key component in that is not listening to the Master who tells us what unique part each family member is designed to play, Who whispers His song for our lives in our ears....we're too busy banging and hollering and trying to follow a different line in the symphony than the one we're supposed to play. And hearing that call means we have to be still, so it all comes back around to the beginning again.

I noticed it this week, I felt it in my bones, and my heart ached for what I knew what was not there. But what I think is interesting is once you have begun to learn and practice your line in the symphony, you can hear and remember and even play it a little bit. You can find it easily, harmony and melody combining inside a roar of cellos and violins and flutes and clarinets...you know you're in there somewhere, you know how it all fits together, and usually, you can pick it up quickly again. So it was with our family rhythm- because we've taken the time to 'find our line' so to speak in the quiet, un-crazy times, we could find our way back to it quickly, and it brought calm.

It meant sanity- it meant knowing who went where and when, who needed what at what time, what was available to eat, what clothes were clean, what wasn't...it meant knowing that I needed to back off, to take some extra time stilling myself in prayer, to focusing and listening to what my little instruments were trying to squawk out and helping them tune up and hear what our orchestra Master had to say...

The family line we've been called to play in some ways is the farthest thing from 'simple', at least in the traditional sense of the word, but as long as we are simply following I trust it will be alright, and maybe even a beautiful melody if we get our practice sessons in.

It always begins here...

I have just a few minutes today, but I wanted to remember to say this before going on:

Simple living, gracious living, abundant living- whatever you want to call this 'life path' is just a means to an end. It should always start, first and foremost, in a relationship with God, a life of prayer, and a study of the Word. Period, bottom line. Oh, you can try to 'have it' without that bottom line, but it won't be 'it'. Does that make sense? That is why I shared my conversion story with you yesterday...I have been a "Christian" since the age of five. I was raised in the church. Both are wonderful things but without my own personal relationship with, and understanding, of God, the 'outer signs' of Christianhood were just trappings and not heart-level realities.

And secondly, we were made in the image of our Creator, and our God is a big, creative, diversely beautiful God- one only needs to peek at Nature to know this- so I can safely say that my path is mine and yours is yours, and both reflect our Creator as He made us, and both can be right and be different. Sure, there are certain truths that cannot change, and in this our paths are very similar, but I am not wrong because I favor the color blue and you are not right because you favor the color green. So please, please, do not read my writing here and feel condemned because you are not doing this or that aspect of 'living simply'...take it all in the gift of friendship...use only what you can, but do not think I am prescribing anything or judging anyone because they do things differently. *big grin*

Look for Art Friday tomorrow. I have been busy as a bee and I have much to share..

The space for silence...

David has been feeling a bit under the weather, and this is him, this morning....curled up on the baby. He tipped forward to lay his head on my belly, and soon was sleeping soundly. It was a bit comical to watch the baby kick and flip and watch David's head bob in response. Moments like these are so rare for David- he is Mr. Independent Toddler and cuddling is not something high in his priorities. So while I'm bummed he's not feeling well, I am secretly enjoying the chance to get to love on him!

 I am suddenly realizing (as Andrea has) that I have a lot I want to say about this whole idea of 'simple living' (or abundant living, or sustainable living, take your pick) and it's not going to fit into just a couple of blog posts. I personally find myself leaning towards Ann's description: the one piece life. I think I am going to break this all down a bit more, and then make a whole new category for it in the side bar where it can be easily accessed. This has been a very discernible journey for me, and one that I don't think is even close to completion yet. I only share what I have been learning because I feel like that is a way for me to 'bear another's burdens' by way of sharing my own journey. Perhaps my sharing will save someone from a bit of heartache or frustration. I certainly do not think I know everything there is to know, and if anything, I am very much preaching at myself more than anything else. 

-------

 Yesterday I talked about how a simple life gives space for crash protection in parenting. I speak often about parenting because that is the season of life I am in- I strive to be a thoughtful, proactive, praying parent and that comes out in what I muse about. But I realized in the 'wee smas' of this morning that I feel like I need to back up even more and go a bit deeper. Because before parenting comes marriage, and before marriage comes adulthood (at least in the physical sense, if not the emotional/mental sense, but more on that later). In other words, my ability to parent is directly correlated to my maturity level. My maturity level is what I have seen most changed by this journey towards a 'one piece' life.

 The pursuit of a one-piece life is a 'whole-heart' pursuit: a striving for balance, an intentional focus on holding the spiritual, emotional, and day to day life in both hands and offering them to the Lord for his use. Above all, it requires an intentional focus and desire to turn away from 'the things of this world' and learning 'a new Way'. Everyone knows that in order to learn something, one must study. It starts first and foremost in the study of the Word and prayer. As the Word is absorbed and learned with the assistance of the Holy Spirit, there is a desire to apply the knowledge. Trying to get to later steps (the outward signs of peace) without the first two is doomed to fail. I try to remember this when I begin to spin my wheels or get stuck. I must constantly return to the source of all knowledge and seek the Lord's council, because without Him, it is doomed to failure and I will just keep spinning my wheels. And to whit, it may be that the Lord is making me 'stuck' on purpose because I have wandered from His path for my life. Scripture is exceedingly specific about that- "Love the Lord your God". It always starts there. Another passage clarifies: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul." (A very succinct definition of the pursuit of a one-piece life.) And then, and only then, do the instructions move on to other things. "Love your neighbor as yourself." And so on and so on.

  This is where it has begun for me: the pursuit of a one-piece life gives space for silence. You see, I am me. I am loud, I am passionate. I tend to talk too much. I am 'a hundred miles a minute'. I am type A. I am an extroverted introvert. I am a creative soul, who is very visually inspired. When I first began this journey, a "cluttered" life does not even begin to describe it. My brain was this roiling, tumbling, miles-long to do list stuffed full to the breaking point. I remember attempting to fall asleep each night while my brain chattered back at me, lists and tasks left undone, snippets of things I had read, even images from my day- colors, textures, sounds. I would go to be exhausted and stressed out, and wake much the same way- my dreams were odd mixes of 'waking dreams' and nightmares. I remember feeling like there was no way out. And in the spiritual sense, there was no room for God. Where would He have fit? Oh, I was a good 'Christian'...I was usually in church every Sunday...feeling incredibly disconnected and trying to focus on the sermon but getting nowhere, thoughts of 'things needing done' crowding in. I'd always been like that...for as long as I can remember...I just accepted it. I was used to 'being on the outside looking in'- I never even considered that there was another option because I couldn't even fathom what it looked like or felt like.

 It was early in my marriage, early in the days of motherhood not too soon after I found out I was pregnant with Isaiah. I remember the night well...it was late. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't rest. I had gone and found a cd of worship songs that my husband had mixed for me, some of my favorites, searching desperately for rest for my soul. And as I was listening, the floodgates opened. The tears began to fall, and this space- between me and God- that had never existed before was suddenly opened up. I felt God for the first time. For someone who has spent her entire life in church, that was a strange feeling. I remember thinking something along the lines of, 'if this is what I've been missing my whole life, no wonder I'm so messed up.' That was the first time that I really, truly understood my sin, my depravity, what God had really done for me, the sacrifice He had made. And my whole life changed. And is changing. I had lived the outward signs and trappings of a 'one-piece' life in my own disconnected sort of way my entire life, but my tattered threads didn't even come close to what God had planned for me.

  It was a space of a silence. It's a space I realize I must carefully safeguard in my days. For my frenzied, cluttered, hot brain, it felt like cool water, peaceful, clean, true. Refreshing. I look at that picture of David curled on my belly, and that is what it feels like...safety. Peace. Comfort. Love. Just the right nook and cranny to snuggle into, safe in the cleft of the rock. I can tell you that David hadn't a care in the world curled up on me like that...none of it mattered. He was held and loved and cuddled into the arms of his mama, and all would be well, and he could sleep. That is what my conversion was like...this feeling of absolute peace and comfort, this knowledge that He was watching over me, and everything was in His hands. For the first time in my life, I knew I belonged in His arms.