Memoria Arts~ Life in the Making

The very happiest of Thanksgiving wishes to you!

 

    This time last year, I was in a quiet, reflective mood. I think I was still caught by the reality of nearly losing my life- time felt so very different. Crisper, faster, clearer. There was this awed grateful acknowledgment of God's grace that I was still living and breathing and moving, that I had children to love and care for, that I could still see my husband's face, and even more miraculous---two days before Thanksgiving, I discovered that a babe grew within me- my dear wee Josiah, who is now four (four! my goodness!) months old.

    Such a year has passed. It has been the scariest year of my life, but also the most amazing year of my life. God is good. He has shown Himself faithful over and over and over again. This year has not been about me. It's been about Him. His leading. His provision. He had to take me out into the desert so that I could hear His voice, still and small, calling on the wind. I can say, from the darkest, scariest, strangest place that God is good. All the time. It is not some trite little Sunday call and response to me anymore. It is the life I've lived for this life-changing year. Friends, don't wait until God has to drag you kicking and screaming into the desert so you can hear. You have a chance right now to believe that He is your everything. He is all you've ever needed, ever will need, all you've ever wanted. No matter how many times you fall down, no matter how dirty, no matter how broken, He loves you. Loves, loves, loves, beyond every measure, beyond what you can imagine, you- from the top of your beautiful head to your very tippy toes. Can you believe that? I do. I know.

    That is what I am thankful for: LIFE. His life. Life more abundantly. Life in a whole different way that I ever knew before. Eternal life. He died, so that I could LIVE. I am grateful for the Love that saved me.

    Have a wonderful, blessed, family-filled day, dear friends! I'll be back on Friday with our adventure to an 18th century Thanksgiving...did you know we can still time travel?

A song of praise...

 

: for warm Indian summer weather before winter settles down with her drizzly cloak

: for fuzzy croc shoes that keep David's toes warm (he who likes to remove shoes and socks at first opportunity)

: for good books that inspire

: for the council of the wise

: for things far better than silver and gold: wisdom, freedom, peace, rest

: for the chance to create art for the church

: for hex pipe and zip ties and drills and a husband who knows so much about mechanical things (oh the lengths we go for art....heeeeeee)

: stolen moments of movie watching and laughter with my husband while we wrestled with an unwieldly frame for the artwork that wanted to zig when we wanted it to zag

: for the fact that nine years later, we're still laughing, kissing, and whispering Songs...

: for my whirly girl who twirls and laughs and reminds me of grace, everyday

: for David's string of babbles fast turning into words and sentences, the beginnings of language and expression

: for my Isaiah, who loves his hot shower almost as much as his mama does ( he who used to scream in outright terror at the thought of falling water- I never thought I'd see the day he would like to take a shower, let alone luxuriate in it!)

: for Ben, whose curious mind and constant questions amaze, delight, and stump me on a daily basis

: for my beloved Husband, who is strength in my weakness, peace in my passion, and my better half in every way

: for family come to visit soon

: for the anticipation of fun and food, for fellowship and love and the laughter of friends

: that the Lord's mercies are new every morning,

                                Great is His Faithfulness!

 

Ebb and flow

 

The days, they get hard pressed, shaken down, crayon on wall, laundry on floor, stubbed toes and rough voices. Like apples in the press, cider running like gold, so go our days. I ache for beauty, search for it. Picture taken last year calls to me with peace.

And I praise.

: for scarlet tresses bedecking trees

: for golden glimpse of sunshine playing across the field chasing shadows like laughing school children

: for words wisely spoken in council

: the smell of wood, burning, smoke upon hill

: the coo of a babe entranced with the world around him

: the careful story his eldest brother tells me of adventures brave and true, illustrated right there on page to see

: the smile of my girl, her goofy laughter causing us all to grin too

: hard work of learning done this morning and oh! the questions we contemplate in the afternoon

: the music of life playing in the background- no radio today, too loud! Five children plenty to fill the void...

O LORD, our Lord,
         How excellent is Your name in all the earth,
         Who have set Your glory above the heavens!
         
 Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants
         You have ordained strength,
         Because of Your enemies,
         That You may silence the enemy and the avenger. (Psalms 8:1-2)

 

A week of celebration...

It's been quiet here while we slipped away to Virginia Beach to celebrate my husband's graduation. Everyone's giveaway packages will ship in the morning- I didn't get addresses in time to send them off before we left!

--

 I am so unbelievably proud of James. I've watched him work hard through the last two years to finish his degree in a shorter amount of time than it normally takes (he transferred to Strayer from ETSU). He's a daddy to five, runs a technology consulting business, and is active serving at our church. It's been a full, heavy load. Many, many late nights and early mornings, writing papers while cradling a baby...My heart about burst when we found out he would graduate magna cum laude. That was icing on the cake! 

Ben turned seven earlier in October, and David turned two last Monday. Nana (my mother-in-love) had her birthday too. Lots of cake and fun to be had! But we're sorta over cake now. You can have too much. (It's hard to believe, I know.)

Here are my favorite scenes from our week away:

 


 

To see and know...

I never would have thought it would draw to an end like this.

It marks a year, my little scribbling here today. A year since the world turned upside down and right side up and back again.

As I cuddle close Josiah, another baby rests near in my thoughts, cradled in my heart. We said goodbye just as we began to be aware of each other, and it happened so fast.

A year ago, I nearly died.

Three short weeks after that happened, my husband lost his job.

Had you asked me in those intervening days if I had thought we would be here today, I probably would have looked at you askance. I knew in my heart that God was in control, but I remember how dark and scary the way seemed.

Now I look back as I watch this year draw to a close and I see.

Miracles shine like dew drops along the path near the footsteps of the One who carried me through. Grace after grace, mercy after mercy, provision upon provision. In the face of grave uncertainty, every need has been answered and provided for. Every time we thought we were coming to the bottom, our jar was filled again.  I think of all the people along the way too, the ones who loved us, the ones who prayed, the ones who gave of their hearts in our time of need, and continue to bear our burdens with us...I stand amazed.

The blessing journal stands full of stories from this year, too many to count.

...Of health regained

...Of a heart turned towards Home

...Of the miracle of life

In the face of a messy economy and countless other trials, we never went hungry. We never lost our house. We never lost our joy. I watched others I knew lose everything, but we did not. Grace upon grace! I would never have thought that it would be twelve long months of fruitless searches as my husband tried to find a job, that even the gas stations and fast food places and retail stores would close in rapid succession like dominoes. And that he is searching still. I never would have imagined after the horror and loss of last August that I would be holding the most amazing miracle of a baby, counting his fingers and toes and kissing his sweet skin.

And here I stand at the close. What will the next twelve months, fifty two weeks, three hundred and sixty five days, bring?

All I know is this.

My God? He can do anything. He is in control. And I am His. That is all that matters. The rest is grace.

Josiah's story...

To tell the story of Josiah's birth, I have to go back in time before I can go forward.

In August of 2008 (last year), I suffered an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured into my abdominal cavity. A miscarriage. The thing was, I didn't even know I was pregnant. (The pregnancy had progressed about eight weeks). I had been attending my best friend's wedding, and the day after began to struggle with annoying but not overly painful abdominal pain. I honestly thought that I had pulled a muscle, as I had been lifting flats of sodas (about fifteen pounds worth) in heels no less, the day of the wedding. As the weekend progressed, I began to feel worse. We were in Virginia Beach, away from home, away from my obstetrician (of course, at the time, I didn't realize it was him that I would need). We cut our visit to Grandma short and returned home. I had this overwhelming desire to get home- still not at all suspecting that I was dealing with a pregnancy. It fascinates me how the hormones created by our body will direct things even when we were unaware- it truly felt like this primal need to get home. The pain had gotten much worse- in fact, in a Charlottesville rest area, James and I were strongly debating whether to stop at the next emergency room. I honestly think that is when the pregnancy actually ruptured. The pain was overwhelming, but like all things, I was able to slowly work through it. (And yes, people have noted I have a strong tolerance to pain). I convinced James to keep driving. 

I still thought that I had only pulled a muscle. Painful and annoying. I consider this God's grace- my ignorance probably kept me from freaking out- He truly directed every path to the conclusion, as all the people involved (even my OB/GYN) will tell you. The next day, I visited my family practitioner, complaining all the while of abdominal pain. I had been bleeding, but since it was the middle of the month when I normally would have a period, I thought none of it. The two simply did not connect in my mind. My doctor, on the other hand, quickly connected the two, and I was sent for blood tests and the whole work up. (I was still blissfully unawares.) As I returned to the exam room, I sat for over forty five minutes, which was very unusual for my doctor. And when she came in the room, finally, I knew something was wrong. She tried to speak a few times, and then said, quickly, rushing over the words: "Joy, you are pregnant. And you are bleeding, and you have abdominal pain. I am sending you over to the hospital STAT for an ultrasound, because I think you may have an ectopic pregnancy. You need to prepare yourself for the fact that you will lose this baby, if it is not lost already."

The next hours that followed were a blur- the ultrasound confirmed their suspicions, but strangely, they could not get a good image- they began to think that I may be pregnant within the uterus but also have some sort of bleeding on my ovaries ( I forget what it is called.) The decision was made to observe, and watch the chemical hCg levels within my blood- if they doubled, they knew that I was in fact pregnant within the uterus. I was dealing with a doctors group associated with the hospital, not my own, and I was so very confused. But I just kept breathing- I trust Dr. H very implicitly, and I knew that as long as I got to him, I would be well cared for...James kept calling until he finally got a hold of Dr. H. (He had been off that weekend, on a much deserved vacation!) By Monday, I was in his office, and he grew increasingly confused by what had occurred and what was written in my chart- test results weren't recorded- it took till Tuesday to get this all figured out and all the tests and ultrasounds in their proper place. Keep in mind it has now been over a week since the pain and bleeding began. Through out it all, my vital signs were absolutely normal, particularly my blood pressure. (Very unusual in the case of abdominal bleeding.) If you know anything about ectopic pregnancies and ruptures, the chance of death is incredibly high. I had everyone fooled, as Dr. H would gently tease later. (You have no idea how much my case scared him after the fact.) 

On Wednesday, they decided to perform same-day, outpatient surgery laproscopically to get a look at just what, exactly, was going on. Dr. H, of course, warned me of the risks involved, explained that he may have to open me up at the bikini line if something was particularly bad- he just didn't know. All the while, I was okay, calm even. I just wanted the baby to be okay, and knew that I needed to be still. To this day, I don't think anyone realized just how bad the situation had become. From what I have been told, when Dr. H entered my abdominal space he realized just what was going on (and apparently the way the blood had pooled was blocking the ultrasound from getting proper images). Not only had the pregnancy ruptured out of my fallopian tube, it had been bleeding. And as Dr. H explained, it should have been bleeding profusely- everything should have been off the charts wrong- my vitals should have been bad, everything. Apparently, it was pushed against my liver in such a way that the liver held pressure to it and did not allow it to bleed as it should, for as soon as Dr. H began to move the fallopian tube away I began to bleed profusely, and, as you can imagine, what was supposed to be same day outpatient surgery turned into full scale surgery to save my life.

When I woke up in recovery, Dr. H was by my side. I have known him for years- he had delivered all three of my younger children and we had a great rapport. The look on his face is something I will never forget, even in my anesthesia induced haze. I just knew. I began to cry. He grabbed my hand, and he said: "Sweetie, I am so sorry. But you need to know this- you need to know- (and here he paused for the longest time)- you should have died. Your life is a miracle. There is no reason for you to be alive right now. Truly, Someone was watching out for you this day." He was choked up, and I had never ever seen him like that, ever.  I should mention that it took weeks for me to truly understand what had happened with the surgery- I was more absorbed with the grief of losing the child to really understand just how close to death I was. At one of my final post-surgery appointments, Dr. H informed me that, while I still had one fallopian tube and ovary, the chances of me being able to get pregnant were extremely low. We had discussed birth control options, up to having the other tube 'tied', but I just could not, in my emotional state, deal with the decision. He warned us that if I did get pregnant, the chances of another ectopic were extremely high, and any pregnancy from that point on could be potentially fraught with complications.

We decided to leave it in God's hands. The grief was overwhelming to me, particularly when it came to being intimate, because it was a reminder of what would not be. I cried, and cried, and James held me, as we tried to make sense of it all. Needless to say, I was shocked to discover I was pregnant in late November. (Two and a half months after the miscarriage.) I was terrified. There was a part of me that was rejoicing, don't get me wrong. But the other ninety percent was just scared wordless. I remember just repeating the Kyrie Ellison over and over. "Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy. Lord have mercy. " I couldn't even form the words to pray for the baby, or myself. I was too scared. 

So was Dr. H. The day I had the appointment, they did an immediate ultrasound, in office. I remember Dr. H, and A, the nurse, and myself, staring at the screen. (By some cruel twist, James couldn't be there- we couldn't get a babysitter for some reason, and there was no way I was going to have all four of my kids in that exam room.) The tension in the room was palpable. I didn't realize I was holding my breath as he guided the ultrasound wand. There was the ovary, all normal. And then, there was the miracle. Baby was kicking and moving and flipping, right where he belonged, heart thumping mightily. And we all suddenly let out our collective breath, A. began to laugh softly, and the tears began to roll down my cheeks. Dr. H first words were, "I wish James could be here" and then "you guys defy all odds, don't you?" and then "oh thank goodness, everything is right where it belongs- see, the hand buds, the feet- the eyes, the heart?" I had this smile on my face as wide as could be...I just couldn't stop. 

The rest of Josiah's pregnancy was so ridiculously normal, Dr. H and I laugh about it. I have always been somewhat high-risk- often tipping into high blood pressure issues towards the end and other things that have left me on bedrest for both Lorelei's and David's final month in utero. My blood pressure never once faltered. It was so normal that the nurses took to checking it twice (they all knew how I had been with other pregnancies) to make sure it was normal. I don't labor well. My body starts the process, but it has never once been able to finish the process unassisted. As with all my kids, I began to have contractions and they would not coalesce into an effective rhythm. With Josiah, I was basically laboring, to an extent, for a week and a half. The contractions would come together and get quite intense, but then would spread back out- every other day I was put on monitoring and a non-stress test performed to ensure that Josiah was doing all right.

On Wednesday (July 26th), they decided to induce. I was started on Pitocin at 9:10 am, my bag of waters was broken about 11:45, and he arrived at 2:34 p.m.

Our little miracle baby had a few surprises up his sleeve however. (And keep in mind that this is number five, too!) Things were moving slowly and steadily (too slow in my opinion- I was so ready to be done and hold him in my arms!) I finally got to 7 cm. I remember my labor nurse checking me (and there is another story I'll get to in a minute) and getting so upset! I said "no! I can't be just 7 cm! This hurts too much!" and then all of the sudden, something changed. I felt it. I tried to tell them. Ha! She leaned down to check again maybe a minute later and said to the nurses assistant with some surprise that I was now 9 cm. And then her face changed (so I'm told- I was in the throes of labor! *laughs*) She goes "this baby is going to deliver!" and he did. Just like that. I didn't push, I can't even explain what happened, just that my uterus took over and bam, there was his head, and another hard contraction and there was the rest of him. My labor nurse, Myra, delivered him! Dr. H wasn't even in the room! He walked in about 30 seconds later and everyone burst out laughing. There wasn't even a warming bed in the room for Josiah, no crash cart, nothing was ready. They thought they had another fifteen minutes! He was delivered on the bed, right out on to the blankets...it was hilarious. And he aced all the APGAR scores and was so very awake and bright eyed- he was the star of the ward with the nurses till we left. They just couldn't get over this little guy that was in such a hurry to get here and had to cause so much consternation and make Myra deliver him!

I just look back so amazed at the miracle that is Josiah. He is healthy and hearty and hasn't a thing wrong with him, defying all these odds that were against him. As I wonder with all my kids, I wonder what God has planned for his life, especially after all the things that occurred. I just can't get over the fact that he is here, and he is healthy. And wonderful. And so snuggle-able. And kiss-able. And so very Josiah. 

And then there is Myra, my labor nurse. I have been so blessed to have both Dr. H and her care for me during labor for four of my five children. How we have managed that in this era of managed, parceled out care is beyond me- I guess I've just happened to be in labor on her normal shift every time, and Dr. H has been on call those days...whatever it is, it has been such a cool blessing, and such a history! To be known so well by them meant that I could just relax and do my part. The funny thing was, Myra had been teasing Dr. H (we tend to laugh a lot until the pain gets too bad) that it was high time she got to 'catch' one. (I am now both their record for delivering within the same family.) She was really teasing, not at all being serious- so it was quite funny when she did, in fact, get to catch! It happened so very fast- which I had been trying to tell them both would probably happen, but would they listen? *grins* I have never heard such laughter as it was when he walked in the room thirty seconds too late, just in time to deliver the placenta. He grinned and said "thanks for making me feel like a resident again! I got to deliver the placenta!"

What joy surrounded Josiah in his first minutes of life- we all could not stop laughing and getting a bit teary eyed at the miracle of him! This little guy has already changed lives, long before he was born. I amazed and grateful that I was chosen to be his mama.

simple gifts

Thankful for the gift of freedom today...thinking of all who serve...thinking of those already headed Home, their duty done for all time...

Simple scenes from around the house the last few days...
Fresh picked, just down the road...
Homemade bread, fresh out of the oven...an easy-peasy recipe from the Joy of Cooking...usually made every two days.
Our weather station, special gift for boy so curious about seasons, times, and measures...he checks it faithfully.
We've had so many rainy days that this hasn't happened much...but the rain has been good for the garden...
The spinach...growing very well...unlike our lettuce, which did very, very poorly. A little stumped as to why.
Love my flag...the kids picked it out a few months ago...it makes me smile every time I see it...
And well, my favorite part of our house, and it's not even inside. *smiles* It makes me think and consider every time I pass through the door.

All's grace...

A friend of mine signs her emails that way...how very true it is...

- love feeling Baby bean kick and flip and squirm and watching my belly grow, seemingly by the hour...
- the garden is going well...the spinach, sunflowers, corn, lettuce, zucchini, cucumbers, squash are all up. Wondering what happened to the tomatoes and carrots...and that poor strawberry, holding on for dear life.
-school is winding down. Grateful to have made it through this year (with all the craziness)...excited about our summer transition...think we'll keep on with math and a bit of reading/language. Looking forward to convention and the chance to recharge and renew for next year.
- amazed that the house is finally, finally organized and clean from top to bottom...the last stands of clutter have been busted in the garage and the kid's closets. It feels so good! I am surprised that I only have a few little projects here and there to finish before Bean's arrival- fun things, nesting things, sewing things that I love to do. No big huge overwhelming things. I think I like this feeling!
- having paint on my fingers near constantly. I think this commission is becoming way too much fun...I love that each smaller piece can be totally different (while sticking to the larger palette)...to be able to take all the techniques I've been fiddling with and do them in much bigger ways...I'm telling you, I am having way too much fun. This is work?
- getting to enjoy my kids each day. Watching their creativity and joy and thirst for life. Although, I'm not so gung-ho about it at the crack of dawn...*laughs* David is in this cool age of discovery and independence, and the things he's learning and the new words he speaks every day never fail to surprise me. His favorite right now is "bye". He likes to 'go places' a lot. So he waves bye, gives you a kiss, and go sits in his little blue chair and 'drives'...and then he comes back and does it all again. I personally love the kisses.
- for my husband. He blesses me every day in so many ways...my heart still flutters when he enters the room...some days I pinch myself at my luck. I can't believe we've been together for almost nine years now, and married for seven... and mama and daddy to four, almost five kiddos now....so glad I am on this adventure with such a guy.

What are you thankful for today?

(I promise I'll share some of the art I'm working on tomorrow!)

Field Notes on a Home Life...

Sitting reading W.Berry while watching the vagaries of an April snow storm: White out conditions blocking vision courted by knife sharp winds slicing under the panes. A moment more and pale lemon sun peers upon sugar dusted fields dotted with brave flowers, slowly ripening to a warm and juicy orange full of promise. Moment turns again and sun slips in need of modesty behind lacy, lazy veil of white again. To look upon from window's warmth, the land exhibits an alien familiarity, so spring-like beneath the strange and heathenish imprisonment of cloudy, mottled glass at half stages.

Nod head and listen:  The oddly syncopated rhythms of Lorelei's lilting speech, so close in sound to true artifact but foreign in it's own sweet way, barely discernible to a hurried ear. The way David feels and tumbles sounds about in his mouth like a stream tickles and smooths stones along the riverbed, ba bo buh. The rushing, bubbling stage whisper of the tea pot warming on the stove, the muted gravelly hum of NPR just loud enough for kitchen dwellers to munch upon but not so loud as to disturb the frenzied, high pitch squeals of police and rescue sirens emanating from the boyish depths of the back bedroom where someone is certainly saving another from an imagined catastrophe. 

The best sort of work in progress...

  Heartbeat beneath my own beats a praise song to the Creator of Life.... new feet for His paths, expected in July. The Lord is so gracious! We are amazed and grateful.

Here is my status.